Sick of Failing at, and Being a ‘Single’ Mom

It’s 11pm and guess what. Both kida are still up. I’m so frustrated it’s not even funny. I am SO sick of practically raising these kids by myself. It’d be one thing if I really WAS a single mom… as in I was the only parent responsible for raising them and the only one around to do it.

That’s not the case, though. I have a husband. A good man who works hard to provide financial support for us. Unfortunely that’s just about the only kind of support he gives us. He accepts the fact that I’m sick, have been for a long time, and looks like I will be, and he supports me in that regard in so much as he understands why I can’t keep the house clean and rarely feel like cooking dinner.

So why, WHY???!!!!! can he not see I can’t raise these kids by myself and HELP? The kids are almost 12 and 11 and for 12 years now I’ve been not just the primary caregiver, I’ve been the ONLY caregiver. I can count on 3 fingers the times in the last 12 years that Mike has taken charge of ‘bedtime patrol’ and made sure the kids get ready for bed and get in bed. Even fewer are the times he’s done so and make sure they went to bed with all their chores done and all their medicines taken.

Every single solitary day, if *I* don’t make sure they take all their medicines, Matthew flat-out refises to do as he know he’s supposed and will lie to us that he’s taken his meds.

Now, even WITH his meds, Matthew is an extrememly rebellious, disrespectful, disobedient, rude, mouthy, selfish, proud kid. If he doesn’t take his meds it is easily 100x worse.

So make sure he takes his meds, you say. That’s fine, I do try. However there are times when I just crash. My body is fighting all these infections and even with all the help it gets from multiple high-dose antibiotics, it still wears me out. And of course, extremem fatigue is one of the lovely features of these infections I’m fighting.

So it happens that some days, I’m so exhausted I don’t even hear the TWO alarms I set each night. On the days that Mike is off, or he knows the kids do not have school, he will turn the alarms off and just let me sleep. That’s wonderful and so sweet of him, you say. Sure, but if he’s not going to make sure Matt gets his meds and then go to bed without even saying he’s going to bed, just disappear all of a sudden right when Matthew’s lack of meds REALLY starts kicking in, leaving me to deal with all the hate, filth, disrespect, threats, and disobedience he spews at full force by myself, then I would much, MUCH rather he wake me up!

I’m so sick and tired of being the only one who even attempts to get the kids to take care of their chores, school/homework, medicines, etc. The only one who even attempts to discipline them.

Maybe if he weren’t here effectively being a bump on a log, my attempts at disciplining, instructing, and so forth, would be more successful. Or maybe not. Either way at least then I wouldn’t have the frustration of having to deal with it all myself while their father, just as responsible for them as I am, plays his video games, reads his book, or sleeps through all the nonsense.

At least then I wouldn’t have the frustration and heartbreak of watching my husband, supposedly my best friend, my leader, and my protector stand by and do nothing at all about his son calling me horrible names, threatening to kill me, throwing things at me, hitting, biting, or kicking me.

I’ve alwys had this picture in my mind of the way a husband/father stands up for his wife, and disciplines the disrespectful child for not saying “yes ma’am” or “no ma’am” to her. As much as I know in my head that there are fathers out there who would do that very thing because it’s what it right and how God intended for fathers to be towards their wives and children, I just can’t make my heart really believe it. It’s like make-believe, pure fantasy.

I love my family so much. Even the selfish, proud, rebellious, hateful son I have.Even the thoughtless, selfish, lazy husband I have. Meagan has moments when she doesn’t thrill me as well, but I sto;; love her, too. I love them all. I’m just so very disappointed in the way a couple of them are turning out. It breaks my heart in so many, many ways.

I hate that I’ve failed to turn out two good kids. I know one is a good deal, but it’s not enough. I want ALL my kids to turn out good. I hate that I’ve failed, and I hate that their father has failed. I know Jesus can make things like this turn around 180 degrees, but I’ll tell you the truth, it sure doesn’t seem very likely for us. I have prayed for so many years, and while we did see a little progress once we were able to get Matt the medicine he needs, it’s been pretty sparse.

I’ve heard our pastor say many times that all our failures are prayer failures, so I guess that means I’m not doing such a great job at that either.

Oh I’m not going to quit trying, so I won’t say I’m a failure, but I have failed, and I don’t know anything new to try or to change to NOT fail again. Most days my son’s future looks very. very dark . 

I’m just so frustrated and tired of fighting what appears to be a losing battle, and doing so on my own. I am sure lots of truly single moms feel the same way, amd I understand that it is different for them. I understand that I can’t understand completely how difficult it is for them, since they are having to be a single parent AND a single provider at the same time. But I also don’t think it’s a stretch in the least to call myself a ’single’ mom. I feel a closeness to single moms, I suppose you could say. I feel for them, because I have at least a small idea of what they have to deal with and face as a single parent.

I just wish that American fathers would start acting like true fathers. Get saved if they’re not, make sure they are if they are, and thenpick up a bible and find out how they are supposed to act and then listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit, and BE the kind of father God wants him to be. Maybe then us single and ’single’ moms wouldn’t have to carry so much on ourselves.

It’d be really great if they would also learn what God expects of them as husbands, too.

A new adventure. Thanks, VA!

Mike got his new prescriptions in the mail today (VA). I am SO not happy with the supposed ‘care’ the VA gives. Or at least through this particular office.

He was put on Metformin last year with absolutely no instructions on anything having to do with diabetes. No diet info, no blood sugar level info, nothing. He called several times and even went back in to ask about a monitor and test strips, since we were thinking it was probably a good idea to test if he was taking meds to lower his blood sugar. The doc kept telling him there was no need and so he never got a monitor.

Since we had no way to test to make sure his levels weren’t getting too low (and his levels at the doc’s were only just barely high), he just quit taking the Metformin.

He had another checkup last week and I went with him this time. This time he did get a script for testing supplies along with the Metformin, cholesterol med, nitroglycerin, and inhaler. Still no information on managing the diabetes, though. He also got put on a waiting list for a sleep study so we can get something done about his horrible sleep apnea (granted it’s a years wait, but at least it’s in the works…).

Anyway. His meds came in the mail today. He now has an Accu-Chek glucometer, lancets, test strips, and something else that goes with it that says to use 1 dose a day to calibrate the glucometer. The problem is there was NO information or instructions on how to use the thing. So, we have all these new tools for managing his diabetes, but not a clue on how to use any of them. Lovely.

It’s a good thing he married into the family that he did. I have an aunt who is a diabetes nurse. Her whole job is teaching newly diagnosed diabetics what they need to know to be able to manage their condition. I’m hoping we can get her to meet us at my grandparents sometime soon and give us a crash course.

It makes me wonder about all those veterans who DON’T have access to that, though. How many other veterans has this doc put on blood sugar meds with absolutely no instructions on what to do to take care of themselves? How many of those are capable of figuring it out on their own? I mean some of the older veterans may have difficulties with memory or may even be Alzheimer patients. Does this doc prescribe meds to them the same way? That is– he enters the meds into the computer (says nothing about the meds in the office) and then a couple of weeks later they just show up in the mail.

Add to that the fact that they didn’t want me going into the exam room with him (I insisted) which tells me that 99% of the time no one is “allowed” in with the vets…

It makes me sick to think of how many veterans are getting such sub-standard care just out of this one office. =(

*update* Mike just got back from asking the pharmacist at Walmart for some help. Turns out the lancets the VA sent will not fit in the pen-thingy. Also, there still is no actual machine to READ the test strips. This thing that came in today is just for pricking the finger. >=(

The sick never stops!

So I haven’t been able to get on here and post or update the counts or much of anything lately because of all the sickness! Somebody stop the sickness, please! lol

Made a trip to the ER with Matthew today. He and Meg both just finished 2wks of Xopenex and Pulmicort neb treatments for their asthma. Some virus or something got them flared. Matt finished last Fri. Tuesday he had the growth hormone stim test (we should hear back in a couple of weeks). Friday he woke up coughing and having problems breathing so I immediately put him back on both the Xopenex and Pulmicort and kept him home from school.

Yesterday (Sat) he was VOLUNTARILY getting on the breathing machine about every hour and a half. Clue number one that he was sicker than his usual, since normally even in the peak of an asthma flare I have to fight him to get the treatments done. All day he did this. And all day he was still having difficulty breathing and coughing. Couldn’t even finish a sentence without coughing.

He started running a fever yesterday afternoon so I gave him a tylenol. I had almost decided to take him in to the ER last night, but he was doing a little better after the Pulmicort treatment last night, so instead I sent him to bed.

He woke up 2 or 3 times in the night and gave himself another breathing treatment. He did the same this morning. I knew last night he and I were going to be missing church so we slept in a little. Me more so. He didn’t come back in to wake me up again until almost 11am! He said that he’d done another treatment about an hour before but it didn’t seem to have helped at all and so were we going in? He was starting to sound scared, so I said “Looks like.”

I got up and got dressed, got the kids both dressed and away we went. Good thing Meagan had stayed home from church. Otherwise I’d have either had to go pull her out early or leave him at the ER to come home and pick her up, since church wasn’t due out for another hour or so.

They did a chest xray which apparently was fine since no one mentioned it afterwards, and also did a rapid strep since he was running fever and had a runny nose.

Guess what?

We’ve got strep! Poor kid. Anyway, I had to deny a shot of steroids because it would have only made the Lyme worse, so instead he got a SIX dose albuterol neb treatment and a tsp of Zithromax.

He can’t go back to school until Wednesday, so the baby-sitting my dad I was supposed to do tomorrow? Cancelled. lol My brothers will have to handle him themselves. Mom and Dad will have to go to the Lyme appt for Dad without me on Tuesday, too. I guess that’s a good thing, though. I was worried the doc might get upset with me because he told me Thursday to go to the ER because of my headache and I kinda sorta didn’t. oops. LOL

I’m just hoping now that no one else will come down with the strep! At least Meagan and I are still on antibiotics, so maybe we won’t get it.

Groceries and Dad again

That seems to be the standard theme around here lately. Probably because I’ve been too sick/busy to even THINK about anything else… let alone blog about it.

Went grocery shopping for the first time this month. I spent $80.82, so 82¢ more than my budget for the week, plus I still need bread. =(

BUT!!

I didn’t go grocery shopping LAST week at all. I’m still not ‘ahead’ because the week before I stocked up on the chicken which used most of last week’s budget.

However… =)

I am almost (I still need to get a little more ground beef stocked) at the point of being able to float by each week needing only the bare essentials replaced… milk, bread, cereal, fresh fruits, and toilet paper. LOL

I bought some soaps today, so aside from laundry detergent (which I will likely be making up a batch of DIY stuff soon) and dishwasher soap (which I will likely be trying to replace with vinegar and baking soda), I shouldn’t even need much in the way of non-food groceries for awhile.

I have shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, liquid dish soap, bath soap, lots of ziplocs, etc. I even got stocked up on cat food (well, the canned stuff anyway).

Also, I got the kittens collars and bought a new phone. Both things were on my list to purchase with ‘leftover’ grocery $$ when I could, so I can scratch those off the list now and move on to the next thing. =)

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Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day.

Dad is still in the hospital, but they tried to send him home today. Mom said uh-uh because they still hadn’t gotten him eating anything more than clear liquids, nor have they given her any kind of instructions on his care or told her what is going on or what the plan is for his surgical site (still held together with what they call “spoons and wires”). Also he has been VERY disoriented and confused, not to mention depressed. He’s hallucinating, too!

He is aware that his brain is not functioning properly and when Mom said that if she needed to exercise her medical power of attorney to refuse discharge from the hospital (he wants to go home so bad, poor guy!), he told her that he hoped his brain cells would be functioning enough to realize that she is only trying to do what is best. So it seems that he is worried his brain is getting worse… or maybe he knows for sure it is getting worse… or something.

Anyway. It’s gonna be real interesting to see what happens tomorrow since the hospital’s infectious disease ‘person’ (an RN, not a doc) will be reporting Dad’s extremely positive ehrlichiosis (a tick-borne infection) test results to the CDC. His primary doc HAS been informed of the test results and so far has done NOTHING with them. This is an infection that is supposed to be treated if even SUSPECTED. In other words if the docs think you MIGHT have ehrlichiosis, they are supposed to start treating you with doxycycline before the test result comes back to confirm it. Why? Because it can kill you if they wait too long to treat.

Now obviously it did not kill him before the test result came back, but he should have been prescribed the antibiotics back before they drew the blood even! That was a month ago!

*sigh* It’s all just so frustrating and my poor mom is about at her wit’s end trying to get someone to take care of Dad!