In honor of Anti-Procrastination Day

I called a number I’ve had for weeks and weeks now, armed with not much more than a positive test result. Scratch that, armed with the Holy Spirit, so a whole lot more than a positive test result. I would not have been able to get through the call had I not done a bit of serious praying first. The short/good news is I have an appt the 17th… but now I’m worried…

The doctor himself called me back after I told the receptionist I’d had a positive IgM test through Igenex and that I’d heard the dr treats Lyme, and he did sound so nice, AND (and this was so cool!) he actually started out by believing me (which is so weird, ya know!). I know because he said I wasn’t very old but I’d been hit by a truck. Yup. That pretty much sums it up. And I was glad when he didn’t start asking me for symptoms, too, because that is something I’ve been worried about. That initial question. Not because I don’t have symptoms, mind you. Oh far from that! But because when asked outright like that, for some reason my mind freezes and shuts down and I have major problems pulling anything back out of the abyss of my mind in order to LIST them. So that was so nice, though I’m sure it seems kinda weird.

But then he found out I don’t have insurance, and maybe it’s just my imagination (ok, actually it probably is…probably more than a little of the OCD, anxiety, PARANOIA, etc creepin’ in), but it seemed like something changed.

Started off by saying it wasn’t free. Yeah, I KNOW that. I’m willing to pay. I don’t like it, but not because his expertise and/or the testing/meds are not worth the $$, just because I don’t like spending that kind of $$ on ME. My kids? Absolutely. Me? Never before. So it hurts me to do it in that regard.

And of course $$ isn’t exactly free-flowing around here, otherwise I would have had insurance years ago… I digress.

Why the difference I wonder? Do you think he is annoyed at/with me because he’s afraid I can’t/won’t pay?

I TOTALLY am going to pay. He will have his $$ every visit I go to. If I can’t pay, I won’t go in. I just won’t.

I HAVE gone in to the ER not being able to pay, but that is totally different. I have never and WILL never (if I have anything to say about it at all) go to a dr visit knowing I can’t pay for it. I just won’t.

Shoot. That’s why I’ve never gone in with all the various possible sinus or bladder or chest or kidney even… infections over the years. Cause I was not prepared to dish out the money. (I technically COULD have, but I didn’t see it as crucial since I had garlic and so could try that first, so therefore it was optional. And optional actually means not an option when it comes to ME. Know what I mean?)

So I did it. I grabbed the bulls by the horn sotospeak and actually DID something for FlyLady‘s Anti-Procrastination Day. I made a dr appt for myself. And now? Now I have to find the $300 for the appt. Scratch that. Now I have to (attempt to!!) exercise patience and wait on the Lord to provide the $300 for the appt… oh and also the $190 for the testing for Matthew… and also the however-much-it-will-be for the meds I need.

It’s ok, though. Phillipians 4:19, Chris. Also, consider the lillies, Chris. And also? My God is a great BIG AWESOME God and no amount of $$ is too big for Him to round up. Doesn’t even qualify as pocket change for Him.

Deep breaths. Need to go either hyperventilate (not a good option) or maybe veg-out for a bit to get my mind off freakin’ out about the whole “did I upset the dr? did I offend him somehow? did I annoy him? did I say the right things? did I just mess up horribly?” thing.

Yeah. Can’t concentrate on much else at the moment. OCD much? =/

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