Bitty Burgers

Ok. Yes, I know this post is about 3.4 seconds after the last. There is a good reason for that. Simply put? I am a dork. I got on here to post about our Bitty Burgers, and somehow (don’t ask me how) ended up posting, instead, about being 9 years old. So here is what I wanted to share about our burgers…

It’s actually kinda sad. =(

For Mike’s birthday last week, the kids and I decked Dad out in all manner of grilling. Well, except for the apron. I don’t think he’d have worn one anyway… So he has a new grill and a cool Texas flag-themed chair (my man, he loves his state!) and is the new Grill Master around these parts.

So tonight he asked if I wanted hamburgers for dinner. Out he goes to play with starter fluid and FIRE while I cut up and moosh 2 pounds of raw cow into burger shapes. At this point they were not bitty. They were not huge, as I had cut each 1 lb log into 4 patties, but they weren’t bitty, either.

Now, meat does shrink as it cooks. We all know that. We expect that. What we didn’t expect was for it to practically DISAPPEAR! After grilling to a lovely color, Mike decided I better microwave them for the last few degrees of internal doneness because the fat was dripping onto the coals and now there were angry flames trying to devour (or at least char) our burgers before they could reach the 180 F that we were shooting for. So he brought them in, and I popped them in the nuker.

At this point, they were understandably somewhat smaller than they’d started out. After all, meat shrinks as it cooks. Two minutes in the nuker, I thought, should do it. Not so. The thermometer was still only peaking at about 120-130.

Back in they went. Five minutes this time. Still only around 130-140 or so. WHAT? Ok… another 5min. SURELY, I thought, this would be enough. This would make who-knows-how-long on the grill plus 12 minutes in the microwave.

When the nuker beeped, I immediately hopped up to go check the temp. I reckoned maybe the patties were cooling off before I could get my slow tookus over there with the thermometer. I was much quicker this time. Internal temp?

150 F. Barely.

Regardless, we declared them more than done. They absolutely HAD to be, as any longer in the magic microwave and they would have been gone completely! We didn’t have hamburgers anymore, we had Bitty Burgers. (That, disgustingly enough, were swimming in a sizzling lake of greasy fat.)

Seriously these suckers were smaller than the infamous White Castle burgers. No lie. They would have been a huge hit at a toddler’s Mini-Everything birthday party. Though… I’m not sure where you would find buns small enough. They were about 1.5″ in diameter. Soooo cute! Good thing I’d put together 8 patties even though Matthew was staying the night with a friend. Since one had jumped ship grill during the initial warming phase we were down to 7 Bitty Burgers for the 3 of us.

Seven burgers for three people. Not NEARLY enough considering it took 3 patties to mostly fill the hamburger bun. Four if you were using regular white bread. Well, at least we had tater tots and cottage cheese…

One scrape (not bite, these suckers were petrified beyond bite-capabilities…the teeth just scraped down the side) later and Mike declared two things:

  1. I am to only purchase the more expensive LEAN meat from now on. The leanest I can find.
  2. Tonight’s burgers would be furnished by Dairy Queen.
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