Archive for November, 2009

Sick of Failing at, and Being a ‘Single’ Mom

It’s 11pm and guess what. Both kida are still up. I’m so frustrated it’s not even funny. I am SO sick of practically raising these kids by myself. It’d be one thing if I really WAS a single mom… as in I was the only parent responsible for raising them and the only one around to do it.

That’s not the case, though. I have a husband. A good man who works hard to provide financial support for us. Unfortunely that’s just about the only kind of support he gives us. He accepts the fact that I’m sick, have been for a long time, and looks like I will be, and he supports me in that regard in so much as he understands why I can’t keep the house clean and rarely feel like cooking dinner.

So why, WHY???!!!!! can he not see I can’t raise these kids by myself and HELP? The kids are almost 12 and 11 and for 12 years now I’ve been not just the primary caregiver, I’ve been the ONLY caregiver. I can count on 3 fingers the times in the last 12 years that Mike has taken charge of ‘bedtime patrol’ and made sure the kids get ready for bed and get in bed. Even fewer are the times he’s done so and make sure they went to bed with all their chores done and all their medicines taken.

Every single solitary day, if *I* don’t make sure they take all their medicines, Matthew flat-out refises to do as he know he’s supposed and will lie to us that he’s taken his meds.

Now, even WITH his meds, Matthew is an extrememly rebellious, disrespectful, disobedient, rude, mouthy, selfish, proud kid. If he doesn’t take his meds it is easily 100x worse.

So make sure he takes his meds, you say. That’s fine, I do try. However there are times when I just crash. My body is fighting all these infections and even with all the help it gets from multiple high-dose antibiotics, it still wears me out. And of course, extremem fatigue is one of the lovely features of these infections I’m fighting.

So it happens that some days, I’m so exhausted I don’t even hear the TWO alarms I set each night. On the days that Mike is off, or he knows the kids do not have school, he will turn the alarms off and just let me sleep. That’s wonderful and so sweet of him, you say. Sure, but if he’s not going to make sure Matt gets his meds and then go to bed without even saying he’s going to bed, just disappear all of a sudden right when Matthew’s lack of meds REALLY starts kicking in, leaving me to deal with all the hate, filth, disrespect, threats, and disobedience he spews at full force by myself, then I would much, MUCH rather he wake me up!

I’m so sick and tired of being the only one who even attempts to get the kids to take care of their chores, school/homework, medicines, etc. The only one who even attempts to discipline them.

Maybe if he weren’t here effectively being a bump on a log, my attempts at disciplining, instructing, and so forth, would be more successful. Or maybe not. Either way at least then I wouldn’t have the frustration of having to deal with it all myself while their father, just as responsible for them as I am, plays his video games, reads his book, or sleeps through all the nonsense.

At least then I wouldn’t have the frustration and heartbreak of watching my husband, supposedly my best friend, my leader, and my protector stand by and do nothing at all about his son calling me horrible names, threatening to kill me, throwing things at me, hitting, biting, or kicking me.

I’ve alwys had this picture in my mind of the way a husband/father stands up for his wife, and disciplines the disrespectful child for not saying “yes ma’am” or “no ma’am” to her. As much as I know in my head that there are fathers out there who would do that very thing because it’s what it right and how God intended for fathers to be towards their wives and children, I just can’t make my heart really believe it. It’s like make-believe, pure fantasy.

I love my family so much. Even the selfish, proud, rebellious, hateful son I have.Even the thoughtless, selfish, lazy husband I have. Meagan has moments when she doesn’t thrill me as well, but I sto;; love her, too. I love them all. I’m just so very disappointed in the way a couple of them are turning out. It breaks my heart in so many, many ways.

I hate that I’ve failed to turn out two good kids. I know one is a good deal, but it’s not enough. I want ALL my kids to turn out good. I hate that I’ve failed, and I hate that their father has failed. I know Jesus can make things like this turn around 180 degrees, but I’ll tell you the truth, it sure doesn’t seem very likely for us. I have prayed for so many years, and while we did see a little progress once we were able to get Matt the medicine he needs, it’s been pretty sparse.

I’ve heard our pastor say many times that all our failures are prayer failures, so I guess that means I’m not doing such a great job at that either.

Oh I’m not going to quit trying, so I won’t say I’m a failure, but I have failed, and I don’t know anything new to try or to change to NOT fail again. Most days my son’s future looks very. very dark . 

I’m just so frustrated and tired of fighting what appears to be a losing battle, and doing so on my own. I am sure lots of truly single moms feel the same way, amd I understand that it is different for them. I understand that I can’t understand completely how difficult it is for them, since they are having to be a single parent AND a single provider at the same time. But I also don’t think it’s a stretch in the least to call myself a ‘single’ mom. I feel a closeness to single moms, I suppose you could say. I feel for them, because I have at least a small idea of what they have to deal with and face as a single parent.

I just wish that American fathers would start acting like true fathers. Get saved if they’re not, make sure they are if they are, and thenpick up a bible and find out how they are supposed to act and then listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit, and BE the kind of father God wants him to be. Maybe then us single and ‘single’ moms wouldn’t have to carry so much on ourselves.

It’d be really great if they would also learn what God expects of them as husbands, too.

Melted Plastic for dinner, anyone?

Ever had one of those weeks?

I found a good deal on ground beef last week. $1.25/lb. I bought 20lb. This afternoon, Mike and I divided it up into 1 1/4 lb packages and put all but 2 in the freezer. Those two were destined for hamburgers for dinner!

I peeled and cut up a bunch of potatoes, while fighting off our youngest kitty, Freckles. He absolutely loves standing up, peering into the trash can, and pulling out the potato peels. He eats them, but never eats as many as he pulls out. Typical kid, eyes bigger than the stomach.

I set out to fry the french fries in the fry daddy, while the burgers were frying in the skillet on the stove. In between checking on each, I was chopping up and freezing some bell peppers and roma tomatoes I’d bought on sale a couple of weeks ago. (3 for $1 on the bell peppers, and 68 cents/lb on the maters)

I had the last batch of fries in the fryer, and the burgers were just about done. I finished chopping the pepper I was working on and went to check on the fries. They looked funny. My first thought was the fry daddy had finally given up the ghost and the bottom or lining or something had come off and was fryin along with the fries. Then I realized the plastic coffee can lid to the grease ‘can’ was missing. Apparently it stuck to the bottom of the fry daddy lid when I set it down and didn’t unstuck until I’d covered the fryer back up. Then it went splooshing into the grease and french fries.

Guess that means I need to add cooking oil to the shopping list. I don’t much think I want to cook anything else in the oil in there now!

Other highlights of this week: major explosions of rage and destruction, the news that Mike will get to work 1 or 2 of the Thanksgiving holidays after all, a trip to the dollar store on Veterans Day where I got 10% my whole purchase ’cause my daddy’s a vet, an allergy shot fot Matt, and the terrifying wait to see whether or not Matthew was going to be killed by the bite of peanut cookie he ate at Masters Club Sunday. (Thank the Lord he only suffered stomachache and nausea, no throat swelling, lack of consciousness, etc! I kept him doped up REAL good on Benadryl for several hours while we waited to see whether we’d have to use the Epi and call 911.)

Tomorrow Matthew is scheduled for another allergy shot, and Mom is expecting us over for Game Night again. Who knows if we’ll be able to go. The way this week has been going it could go either way. We’ve had a good mix of good/bad things happen, so I can’t possibly guess. lol I do know the kids need to get all the dishes caught up and their room clean before we go. That may be the deciding factor.


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