Living the Bipolar Life

Two words- Tightrope Walking.

Tightrope walking about 100ft in the air (high enough to be scary and deadly, but not so high that you can’t see what is below you). Two dangerous areas underneath. To one side there is a pool of molten rock, beautiful but deadly. To the other a pit of snakes, some poisonous some not, all feeling threatened and ready to strike. The dangers meet in the middle directly beneath the thin cord you are struggling to balance on. A breeze comes. A welcome relief to some hikers watching the lava from a safe distance, but potential death for you as it sets the cord to swaying. Now any movement at all and the swaying is intensified. You hold your breath, hoping that the cord will settle down before the sneeze that is building in response to the pollens blown in comes to fruition. You might be able to compensate for the sneeze when it comes if you know exactly where the cord is and what it is doing beforehand. With it already in motion, though, it’s too hard to predict.

This is what living the bipolar life feels like.

Promises Whispered

So this year’s theme at church is “Launch Out”. I first got the inkling of just what God was pulling me towards in terms of launching out several months ago, but it just seemed so unreal, so unlikely. Turns out… not so much. The coincidences (both musical and otherwise) speak for themselves, or rather for God. I never thought I’d be led back around to considering, let alone deciding on, divorce by God of all people. By my ‘worldly’ friends, sure. By my ‘unspiritual’ family, maybe. But by Jesus Himself? WHAT?! And yet that is exactly what happened. It wasn’t some booming, thundering voice from the sky, no. It was a still, small voice that said “just open your mind and heart to the idea that maybe the act of divorce might not not frowned upon by God in certain situations”. It started small, it did, and to be sure it came through His chosen vessel. I had my eyes (and my mind!) clenched so tightly shut it hurt. Hurt to keep them closed, but hurt to open them, too. Like when you’ve been squeezing your eyes shut to keep out the light that was suddenly turned on in the midst of the thick dark. It was painful, so very painful, to keep forcibly shutting that light out, but just opening my eyes wide open all at once hurt, too. I’d pop them open, be blinded, and go back to squinting….but that light…even though it was bright and seemed painful at first glance seemed to offer something more. Warmth for a shivering soul for a start. Light to see things clearly, instead of having to plod about in uncertainty. And hope. For the first time in over 15yr I really felt the golden fingers of hope coming through. It reminded me of the poem I wrote in high school with the same title as this post…

Golden Fingers reaching through the clear pane,
Silently touching the sleeping form.
Lingering for a moment to whisper promises of a new beginning;
Slowly they pass — leaving behind shadowy fingerprints.

I’m older now, though, and I like to think a little wiser. Without question I’m more knowledgeable, especially in regards to Truth. Whereas at 17yo I let those Fingers float right on by…whether because of fear or stubbornness to follow along a prescribed or expected path or some other reason that I don’t even remember now…at almost 36yo I refuse to let them pass me by. I don’t want shadowy fingerprints. I want the Fingers that created them. I don’t want to resist the pulling anymore. I don’t want, scratch that, I WON’T lie still and watch them drift away. I refuse. I’m waking up, launching out, and hanging on to those promises. To not do so is to not breathe. My kids deserve so much better than what they’ve had. Not because they’re so great, but because they are children of God. They, as well as myself, were precious enough to Jesus that He willingly held out His hands and even thanked the Father for the opportunity to have nails driven through them, to take on all of our sins and pay for them so that we could be made whole and be free. Jesus gave up everything to save us from a life of pain, misery, defeat, and rejection. There’s been a myriad of reasons, excuses even, why I haven’t allowed myself to live that life, but I’m choosing it now. I’m launching out of the bed of self-punishment-through-others and trying-to-save-others-at-the-expense-of-myself and breaking through the clear pane to go live in the Sonshine…not just a quiet, sedate, ordinary life, either.  No. I’ve been trying to contain myself inside of propriety and calmness and convention for too long. I’m tired of trying to fit into a mold that I was never designed to fit in. I want to be comfortable in my own skin finally. I’m not there yet, not by a long shot, but I WANT to get there…and I will. As long as I do all things decently and in order, it will come. That’s decently and in order according to GOD, not man (including myself!), though. Sometimes there is a big difference.

I’ve written about storms and rainbows before. Not all storms are bad. Some rainstorms are VERY necessary. Sometimes our lives are suffering from drought and we desperately need rain to quench our thirst and heal our parched hearts. Sometimes we even recognize it and pray for something to revive us, to heal us, to satisfy us. Why do we act so surprised, then, when it starts raining? Sometimes we think the rain is nothing but cold, but what if it’s not? What if we’re missing a piece of it and it’s not a ‘c’, but a ‘g’. What if the rain is nothing but gold. Rain is cleansing. It washes away the dust and the heat. Sure, absolutely in the midst of the storm it can be dark and scary and threatening…but on the other side? What awaits us? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… the longer, more frightening, more intense the storm the sweeter, more beautiful, and more precious the rainbow. Rainbows are symbols of promise…promises whispered. And now the circle of coincidentiality is complete. Thank you, Lord. I love you too! =)

Bipolar Illusion

We tell ourselves everything and everyone is going to be ok. Sometimes it’s not.

Everything looks ok on the surface, but a swirling mass of dangerous emotions lies just beneath, waiting for us to take one teeny-tiny misstep. To loosen our tenuous grip on mental wellness just a little bit by trying to take a breath and rest from the excruciatingly difficult task of maintaining the illusion of normalcy in our lives. Sometimes that misstep can be recovered from and we can move on… shaken, bruised, perhaps even scarred, but ready to keep moving. Occasionally, though, the illusion gives way to reality and the tricks and trap-doors we use to get us through to live another day disintegrate.

You will be missed, Robin Williams.

The unpacking is now well under way.

Long story, which will come just as soon as the pics are ready, but I’m adding a post to the blog to keep it from disappearing entirely from lack of use. I REALLY should have been updating as we went along, the last year has definitely been post-worthy, but I found myself so mentally and physically busy (and exhausted!) I just didn’t get it done.

And the packing has begun…

YEA!!! To anyone who knows us, or has read any of this blog, it is evident we need a new house. There are SOOOOOO many reasons why we need a new house that I’m not even going to bother listing any. I believe the Lord is going to provide us with a new home, but I also believe we need to work to make it happen. Sooo…

I’ve been a busy little beaver. I have the credit cards all paid off so that in just a few weeks, our debt ratio will be as good as it will ever be, making our credit as good as it is going to get for awhile. Then it will be time to have the bank pull our credit so we can get pre-approved for a mortgage. In the meantime, though, there has been plenty happening…

I’ve purchased a dolly for moving things. I’ve acquired (mostly bought) a BUNCH of boxes, and a packing tape gun. I’ve been collecting info on buying a first home, getting a mortgage, etc. God has shown me who to contact about selling the house we are in, as well as who to talk to about finding and purchasing the new one. I have some money set aside for expenses and plan on adding as much as I can to it as often as I can. Also, I have arranged to rent a 10′ x 10′ storage unit so we can empty out as much as we can prior to contacting the listing agent.

That’s the point we are at right now. I just packed up most of our photos, videos, and childrens books. These are all easy things to pack and also easy things to do without for several weeks, so that is why I’ve started with those. I’m hoping to actually have the storage unit this weekend, and as soon as I do….I will start filling it up!

So, lots of packing, some furniture moving, some paperwork (loan application and who knows what else), some house-browsing online to get some motivation, and of course our standard work, school, and loads of therapy/doctor appts in the future for the Caseys!

THANK YOU, LORD!!!

Thank you, Lord, for:

  • the Person of You… Jesus Christ
  • the Promises of You… the God who can’t lie
  • the People of God
  • the Provision of You… my Heavenly Father God
  • the Power of You… the Great I AM THAT I AM
  • the Preparation of God
  • the Peace of You… the Holy Spirit
  • the Protection of God… the Creator and Almighty God
  • the Privileges of God

I can never thank You enough! The least I can do is offer my body and life as a living sacrifice to You! THAT even is not enough. Thank You, thank You, thank You!!

General update since last year

I just went back and realized that the last time I wrote a post in 2012 was towards the beginning of the year. That means there is a LOT that didn’t get mentioned on here. Probably the biggest being Dad’s trip home to Heaven in July. Shortly thereafter Bro4 moved his girlfriend and her 3 kids in and they are all staying with Mom and Bro5 now. Also my best friend moved about 30min away, so my commute for work is longer now. lol Naturally there are all kinds of stories attached to these bits of news, and I very well might write some of them down at some point, but for now I just wanted to get the quick highlights down. =)

Now off to take a nap with that icepack on my head!!


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